Letters on Mothers Day- A letter to all of Rain’s Mothers

Letters on Mothers Day

Dear Rain, 

06/05/20 

So that day is fast approaching. Since we lost you, I have been agonising over the arrival of Mother's Day, for obvious reasons. But the week leading up has been a surprisingly tolerable one if I’m being honest... Although, that’s probably because last week was, in comparison, a horrible week, which I threw in a day early because I needed a break from being “normal”. Sunday just gone had been Bereaved Mother’s Day and I was noticing as each day went by and we were getting closer to the weekend, I was becoming increasingly agitated; my days were filling with sorrow and I was miserable. So, I took Friday off and decided that instead of being buried in melancholic thoughts about how no woman would want this day (because who would ever want to be a bereaved mother? I really fucking don’t I’ll tell you that...) anyway this weekend would be all about you. That was the only way I could see myself getting through it. I needed to bring some extra positivity into the day, besides Lewis making me a grand breakfast which btw felt like it lasted well into the afternoon- there was that much food! You know your Dad eats like every meal is his last. So I had flowers delivered for you, started knitting you a blanket and framed the rose we were given at your service to add to your space. We disconnected from the outside world for that weekend and just spent time together in this space we made for you.

  

10/05/20

I don’t know why I would be saying this to you, but Happy Mothers Day, Rain. I don’t have much to write to you about today. Only that I have decided what I’m going to do in honour of Mothers Day. I really want to be able to look back on this day and be proud of how I honoured you (for making me a mama). It will be a Mothers Day that I will always remember so I have to make it a positive one given the circumstances, right? 

So; last weekend I made it all about you, this weekend I’m making it about some of the other mothers in your life and mine. To the women in my life that, not only helped me be a mother to you through my journey in my grief, but also who would’ve helped me in my journey through motherhood had we not lost you. 

To all the women who “mothered” me and, in turn, mothered you.

 Beware, this might turn sappy.

Dear Mama Sa, 

 O, my sweet mother. Happy Mothers Day. You have lived such a tremendous life with more trials and tribulations that one would consider you an utmost warrior. I consider you a warrior. You envision such strength and resilience that I could not have hoped for anything more from a mother and grandmother, especially through this time. Thank you for staying with us in that first couple weeks and for allowing me to safely ponder spiritual unknowns in hopes of being reunited with Rain again. Thank you for helping me keep a resemblance of routine- not too much to overwhelm me but just enough to keep my mind distracted and give me a break from all the thoughts. Thank you for the endless words of love and support that you offer and the listening ear that never leaves, saving me from exploding. Thank you for crying with me, for laughing with me and for just being there with me.

Thank you for the undying love I know you would have shown Rain. Thank you for the countless nights you would have spent with us, helping us while we found our steps in this new journey of parenthood. Thank you for the advice you would have given when I’d call you in a complete mess because of fears I wouldn’t be good enough. Thank you for the all-day shopping trips you would have attended with me (mainly because I’d drag you along) in my excitement and anticipation to the lead up to Rain’s arrival. Thank you for continuing to offer advice on which is more cuter even when you know they practically look the same. And thank you for egging me on to buy something when I’m “assessing” if I need it when I know I don’t, but want it anyway. Thank you for the support you are always willing to give and I know you would have given. Thank you for being Rains biggest fan, for the devoutness you would have shown Rain; just like you show all of your children and grandchildren.

Mum, thank you for being and giving so much more than expected, always. Thank you for mothering me through my pain and my grief, for openly hurting with me and for always reminding me that it is okay to talk about Rain and the loss of Rain. Thank you for allowing me to share Rain with her Mama Sa, I know without a doubt that she would’ve loved and looked up to you. I know you don’t need the reminder but because it’s especially so today, my little family loves you so, so much. 

Dear Brylee and Chanel, 

To my sisters. The two women who first showed me a glimpse of what motherhood felt like. I knew what it felt like to have a mother but I didn’t really understand what it might feel like to BE a mother until I watched the two of you enter motherhood and in turn, became an Aunty. My first maternal experience came from both the love and responsibilities of being an Aunty to your children. Especially when we are such a big, tight-knit family. Just as that saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child” and my duties as an Aunty showed me how strong a maternal bond can be and the unconditional love and protection that comes from that is unfaltering. I am so thankful and honoured to have been able to share the lives of each of your children with you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your village. It was through loving and caring for your children that I realised how my biggest aspiration in life would be to love and care for my own. 

Thank you for allowing me to share Rain with her cousins. Thank you for letting me be open with all her nieces and nephews about who she was to them and why they never got to meet her. Thank you for understanding that although sometimes it’s hard to see them, I love and care for them all so dearly. Thank you for letting me seek comfort from the newest editions with extra long cuddles. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding. For showing empathy and always welcoming me with open arms, especially in my times of need. Thank you for being a mother to me in your big sister ways. Both before and after losing Rain. Thank you for guiding me and ensuring me that I am very much a mother just as much as anyone else. Thank you for introducing me to the concept of motherhood, for sharing your journey through motherhood with me and for helping me through the journey of mine. I’m confident that you both would have extended your motherliness to Rain and as always, but even more so today- I am so thankful and full of love for you two. 

Sincerely, from Rain and I, Happy Mothers Day.

Dear Anna, 

 I can’t begin to explain the level of gratitude I have for you and Dennis. Thank you for absolutely everything. For being so welcoming of our news that Rain would be joining the family. For showing me so much love and support over the years and welcoming me into your home. Thank you for providing us guidance and encouraging us to take steps forward. Thank you for being such a revered mother to your children and grandchildren, creating inspiration for the type of mother I want to be. Thank you for the unwavering support I know you would have given us with Rain. Thank you for both the affection and discipline you would have shown and taught her. Thank you for loving Rain and for allowing us to share the pain of losing her with you both. Thank you for being there for us, especially through this time, in every way you can. Thank you for understanding that it isn’t easy and for always reaching out to us. Thank you for the love that you show Lewis. For being his best example of how to be a loving parent. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family, and for sharing your family with me. Thank you for being a mother to the both of us, and for the loving grandmother you would have been to Rain. It brings me so much love and comfort knowing how excited you both were to meet our little girl, I tell her often how loved she was by her Nan and Koro. I hope you know how much we love and appreciate you and everything you do. With so much love from myself, Lewis and Rain, Happy Mothers Day.

And finally, 

Dear Mariah; from the alternate reality that got to keep Rain,

You lucky Bitch.

All my love,

Mariah xx